God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Monday Lisa
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.