GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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If only
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*