GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.


Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?


Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law


I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.


*smacks you with my coloring book*

Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.


I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone


#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay


[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No