god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
You Might Also Like
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Unimpressed
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.