[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”