Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Wine_Charmer

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

@Marcmywords2

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@Thedudish

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

@SexytotheNorth

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

@simoncholland

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

@UncleDuke1969

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

@KeetPotato

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”