@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

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@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@WilliamAder

Weather Girl: I’m looking at six to ten inches tonight.
Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?

@hazelmotes1

Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

@thenatewolf

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@ariscott

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

@omgthatspunny

I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.