GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
But that’s none of my business
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.