God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Sponch
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I have no passwords left in me
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”