God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.