God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Well, that should do it
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.