God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.