GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Every damn time
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…