*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok