God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”