Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
translated into Canadian
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.