‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
This kid is going places
we all know this pain all too well
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do