me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
WHO DID THIS?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Hotels are back
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.