Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”