911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder