@themiltron

god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan

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@Bob_Janke

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

@ClichedOut

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

@Jen_says_nah

*puts message in a bottle

*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in

*gets tazed and arrested for littering

@LoveNLunchmeat

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

@Marlebean

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious