*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
god: go to earth
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*puts message in a bottle
*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in
*gets tazed and arrested for littering
GUY: How do you make a living?
FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Sorry my mom wouldn’t stop talking on our killing spree.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
home alarm- anniversary
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*