Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My mattress is the only one willing to sleep with me.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.