God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.