God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them

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Don’t cut yourselves ’cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves ’cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)


Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan


saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”


A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way


JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*


“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably


lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”


boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!