“Just how drunk are you?”
– “French toast”
God: got bears?
God: got birds?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
It has been
2?4? 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten