Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
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Two wrongs don’t make a right.
And two half-wits don’t make a wit.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Wine moms
If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.