God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.


Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And two half-wits don’t make a wit.


*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*


Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.


#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff


Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms


If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron


Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.