@tehviking

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

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@protolalia

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@Moldy_Jellybean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@vaginadental

I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it

@Karate_Horse

[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
CRAP
[huge explosion]

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

@Vodkantots

Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.

@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife