God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol