God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Tastes like chicken.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood