@Lilblack_heart

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change and the courage not to set idiots on fire

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@DurtMcHurtt

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@Elizasoul80

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

@TheOnion

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

@procharged94

Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.

@SteevUmc

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

@NerishaLakha

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

@McFluffy537

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.