*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
god grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change and the courage not to set idiots on fire
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.
*points at hotel towels*
Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.