God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
i will not be silenced
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!