God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.

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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.


Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.


[seductively takes off mom jeans]


Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]


Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.


Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.


i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters


As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?


Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.


IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages


COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.