@juliussharpe

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.

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@samalmightysam

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

@BoomBoomBetty

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

@kwirkyKerri

Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.

@torrami

Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.

@rad_milk

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

@batkaren

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

@sarcasticmommy4

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages

@Nazeefah

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.