God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*