God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
This kid will have a bright future.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Haha! 😂