God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
#damn
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.