God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.