Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.