God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
You Might Also Like
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup