God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
This is I, Robot all over again
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches