God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.