Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”
Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry