god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016


I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.


The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?


Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier


*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*


[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry