@FredTaming
@YoungNobler
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
You Might Also Like
@YoungNobler
@gwatts77
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
@Mothpete
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?
@goslingtrain
they finally got him. they got macavity
@slyoung5
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
@FredTaming
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
@flagmytweets
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
@SkinnerSteven
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
@AlanHungover
*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*
@Reverend_Scott
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry