god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Always…
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?