@FredTaming

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

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@YoungNobler

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

@gwatts77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

@Mothpete

The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?

@flagmytweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

@AlanHungover

*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*

@Reverend_Scott

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry