@BromanConsul

GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs
Adam: what for
GOD: uhh science project
Adam: you hate science
GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not

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@iamnoturbf

another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem

@david8hughes

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

@Cheeseboy22

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

@Try2StopME

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

@iloveskyrim71

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.

@Wenderella22

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@KThonvold

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

@dadmann_walking

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda