GOD: hey can I have one of your ribs
Adam: what for
GOD: uhh science project
Adam: you hate science
GOD: look do u wanna get laid or not

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another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem


[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah


7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.


A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.


Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to



I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.


Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest


All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.


I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.


Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda