I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Jail
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news