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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS