[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My life coach traded me.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.