God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
why am I working on Labor Day
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’m not wrong
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early