every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.