God: *holding a cat by its scruff* WHO MADE THIS?

Resentful Angel: I don’t know. You didn’t?

God: NO, it hates me and people

Angel: weird

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I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.


Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what


Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk


[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine


*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?


“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”


Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.


ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!