I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.
God: *holding a cat by its scruff* WHO MADE THIS?
Resentful Angel: I don’t know. You didn’t?
God: NO, it hates me and people
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Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-
Roommate: OMG NO
Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!