@Holy_Mowgli

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

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@YourDailyGroan

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

@TheAlexNevil

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

@unmehlievable

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

@Cheeseboy22

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

@not_delicate

Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

@JackalAnon

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

@glu_ben

I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.

@timdonakowski

My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer