GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
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Does this dress make me look cat?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
same bro
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT