GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

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Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.


They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.


Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy


Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.


When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”


Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?


*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up


So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.


I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.


My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer