GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁