God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.