I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.
Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
D: *places giant needle on tray*
D: *places handgun on tray*
Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?
Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.
Wife: aw I love that movie!
Me: what movie?
Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
ME: Can I get some?
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them