I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*