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@JustDontBugMe

Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.

@robfee

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.

@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

@garrettbarry70

Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?

Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Wife: aw I love that movie!

Me: what movie?

Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?

@MrBigFists

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

@TheToddWilliams

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them