God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My dog ate my work from home.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.