@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

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@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@SeanINCypress

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

@nevernicethings

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

@david8hughes

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

@EndhooS

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

@Dawn_M_

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.