Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”
Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…