My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
5 steps to a happy marriage:
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.