GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.