Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@ag_loco

Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity

@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

@IvyelleWright

Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”

@I_am_Lukem

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

@RealCarrotFacts

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.

@PonyMartini

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

@samalmightysam

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

@BlindVigil

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…