GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
what
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
🤣🤣💀
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE