GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Ferrari squats
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I have a type: disappointing
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.