@Reverend_Scott

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

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@donjuantip

i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.

@soulindivision2

I just want to meet my Doppelganger so I can kidnap them to experiment with hairstyles.

@daemonic3

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

@SaraMansford

{Kid’s bday party}

Me: Where’s the cake?

Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar.

Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

@TuSoonShakur

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

@Tierno158

CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?

@3sunzzz

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

@briangaar

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”