GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

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i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.


I just want to meet my Doppelganger so I can kidnap them to experiment with hairstyles.


“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”


{Kid’s bday party}

Me: Where’s the cake?

Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar.

Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.


Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat


CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?


[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.


If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox


“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”


My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”