Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Happy weekend !
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.