Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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Paint thinner? Bullshit.
Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m hyper observant
Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.