@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

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@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@AngelaEhh

Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?

Me: I’m hyper observant

Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard

Me: Oh..

@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

@Marlebean

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

@mrjohndarby

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

@ComedicBust

My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.