god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Bobby pin
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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Morningbreath
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life