@fuzzlime

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

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@kyle_thatisall

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@crocodilethumbs

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

@UncleDuke1969

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@AtticusFinch79

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

@ArfMeasures

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

@SuicideBooth1

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

@josePhDhoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@Dustinkcouch

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions