Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”
[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions