God, I love Scotland
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My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.