everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The Book. The Movie.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[montage of me giving-up]
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I really had high hopes for this year though
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*